who I want to become.
I’m finding myself disliking myself lately.
I keep explaining to family and friends that I really feel badly towards Nate. My parents and my sister all live out of town and they luckily don’t have to deal with my illness 24/7. I understand that they really are dealing with it 24/7…mentally, emotionally, etc. Luckily, they don’t have to deal with it physically…they don’t have to see me cry, hear me yell, watch me get angry. Nate has to see all of it, hear all of it and feel all of it. We live together and his only break is when he’s working, and that isn’t much of a break. I hate that so many people are affected by this, more than just me.
I’m finding myself getting more angry. I’m angry that I have cancer and I’m angry that my future is not what I had planned. I’m angry that I can’t just physically do things that I could before my surgery and that I won’t physically be able to do things during my treatments. I found myself this weekend being the party pooper, the one that can’t do the same things as everyone else because I’m ill. My doctors are all telling me to “Live my life as normal.”. I just don’t quite know how to yet. Nate is getting angry that I’m not listening to the doctors and just doing what I want to, just enjoying life. He’s angry at me that I’m using cancer as an excuse, and quite frankly I’m angry at myself for using this excuse, too. It is so easy to pull out the cancer card, but this is just a hurdle I need to overcome within myself.
It is so easy to read a quote, a brochure or research that has positive words, ones that make me smile. Those words make perfect sense and enough to want me to be a better person. The second I’m feeling sad, frustrated or angry, those words just jump out the window and I act as if they never entered my mind. Unfortunately, too many cancer patients understand these feelings, but if you’ve never been told “You have cancer.”, you just don’t understand. I feel like I’ve been inducted into some awful secret society. I just want everyone to understand how I feel, I pray that no one ever has to understand how I feel.
I feel as if I need some kind of incredibly huge emotional and physical cleanse. I want to cleanse my body of my anger, towards others and myself. I want to be someone that I’m proud of. I want to be happy. I want to be at peace.