Having a tough night. When I’m having sad thoughts or just can’t seem to quite get it together, there are two people that I know will always be there… my Mom & Dad.
I started to think tonight about the scary word, the one that keeps haunting me and I can’t seem to ignore: death. There hasn’t been a day since April 25th that I haven’t thought about dying. Unfortunately, that magic word cancer has become just as magical as death. Nate has been so strong. My family has been so strong. I know they get sad and that is the worst feeling in the world. They’re sad and it’s basically because of me. They sure as hell are good at keeping me positive, and keeping themselves positive, too, when I’m sure all they want to do is break down. So many nights I have cried in bed because “I don’t want to die and leave Nate alone every night”. The first morning after I found out I had a tumor, I told my Mom that I kept thinking about Nate going to bed alone, with our little kitty cat, Ruby, snuggling next to him, and I cried and cried at that thought. He is amazing. He keeps reminding me that cancer or not, I need to live my life. I need to dream. I need to smile. I need to live.
I didn’t want to say something to my parents, but I text my Dad tonight. I told him that I actually hoped that he or my Mom passed away before me. I don’t want them to watch as I get more and more sick. I want them to be able to look at me as their baby girl, the healthy and vibrant daughter that they know. I also told him that I don’t want to be alone in heaven if I died first. How the hell do you explain something like that to your father? God, I don’t want them to have to watch me suffer. At the same time, I would be lost in this world with out my parents. I used to joke that if anything happened to one of my parents, that I would crawl into a hole because I would be so devastated. Well, I actually think I would crawl into a hole because they are the two most important people in my life. I need them so badly, just as much as they need me.
Well, another raw emotion brought out by that asshole known as cancer. We always joke in my family that I was the little adopted red head and that my parents are senior citizens that still make out (eww). How lucky, lucky, lucky am I to have them for the ups and downs. I would never, ever trade those two. Besides, my mom is the best shopping partner and my dad can fix anything in mine and Nate’s house!