dreams of love.
I struggled with writing about this entry. I continue to struggle with it. Fact is, this is my reality.
Along with the terrifying thoughts of having cancer, I also now have to decide if I want to have children or not. Dr. Drappatz told me that one complication of chemo/radiation is infertility. I may never be a mother. Nate may never be a father.
I’m scheduled for an appointment at Magee Women’s Hospital on Wednesday, and will be finding out what options I have for freezing my eggs before treatment begins. Oh, how many questions will come up during this appointment. How does someone decide if they want to have a child or not?
I’ve always wanted to have 4 children, 3 boys and 1 girl. I only wanted 1 girl because I want her to be my princess. I want her to be her daddy’s little girl. I wanted a shopping partner, a little girl to dress up with and braid her hair. I wanted 3 boys that were loud, rough and rowdy. I wanted boys that wrestled in the house, played basketball, played football, skinned their knees and just did everything boys were supposed to do. I wanted to be that mother on the bleachers with her last name printed on the back of my tshirt, so proud and cheering for my child. I wanted to cook dinner every night with my family around the table. I wanted to pick up all of their dirty clothes and lug laundry baskets around. I wanted to wake up in the middle of the night when they were sick. I wanted to look at them and laugh because they look just like me or have their fathers personality. I wanted to be a mother. I still want to be a mother.
Am I selfish to freeze my eggs? The financial burden alone is selfish. Am I selfish to bring a child into a world full of illness and uncertainty? What if I am lucky enough to carry a child, what if my illness caused my own child to be ill? What if I don’t have more than 15 years to live? Am I supposed to have a child who now won’t have a mother? Am I supposed to have a child who may have only a father to care for them? I don’t want a child to grow up only knowing what illness means. Is mommy going to be sick today, or is she going to feel happy? Are people going to judge me? Are people going to say that I’m selfish? Why on earth would she bring a child into this hell of cancer? Why would she have a child when she’s just going to die?
I’m scared of dying but I’m scared of leaving Nate alone. None of this is fair to him. He didn’t sign up for this. Is he going to be a widow in his 30’s or 40’s, possibly with a child to raise alone? I shouldn’t have to make these decisions, but neither should he.
What if there is a miracle? What if there is a cure for cancer? What if I live to be 90? What if I never had a child, and I live my life full of regret? What if all of my dreams become reality?
I basically have until Wednesday to figure it out. 28 years of dreaming is being dwindled down to days, hours, minutes and 1 decision.
Nate keeps telling me that there are always options for having children, and I absolutely agree. The dream that a woman has to carry a child, to surprise my parents and tell them “I’m pregnant! You’re going to have a grandbaby!”, is just not the same. My parents are possibly being robbed of their dream of being grandparents. My sister is possibly being robbed of the dream of being an aunt, possibly the dream of having a child herself and being a cousin.
I can’t dream of one child that could ever be more beautiful or loved.