It’s been one week since my normal life became not-so-normal.
Last Thursday, I woke up late as usual. Nate gets a shower after I do so I tried to get ready as quick as I could to avoid the daily “Hurry up, you’re going to make me late for work”. I ironed his clothes and tie and was ready to get him out the door on time. My biggest concern that morning, as usual, was what to take to work for breakfast. Breakfast is a pretty high priority with my co-workers and myself. Hot sauce- everything goes with hot sauce in the morning, atleast we think so.
I was getting dressed and started feeling funny. Nate was ready to walk out the door and I wanted to explain to him how I was feeling. “Frink, frank, frunk.” According to him, that is what came out of my mouth. I knew in my head that I wanted to say “I think something is wrong” and clearly that wasn’t what came out. Probably 10 seconds later I felt good enough to go on with my day, but the only place I wanted to go was the ER, I just knew something was not right.
Nate drove me to the hospital and sat next to me for the 9 hours we were in the ER. He kept telling me I was fine, to be strong and that they would send me home soon. I had a CT Scan that the doctor said there was an area that they needed to look at further, so he ordered an MRI. How uncomforting was that to hear. I had two other MRI’s before and knew what to expect. I felt nervous and uneasy all day, but not overly concerned. After the MRI, I was taken to have an EEG done of my brain. Basically they put this stupid looking cap on my head to measure my brains activity. The test was supposed to last a half hour and about 20 minutes into it, some random doctor came in to the room to tell me that I had a tumor. Wait a minute, who are you first of all?! You tell me in the middle of a test when I’m by myself that I have a tumor, that my whole life is no longer what it used to be. I wanted to punch this bitch in the face and tell her to get out, quit talking and just get out. I had to sit there alone for another 10 minutes processing what I had been told, alone, in a dark room to finish this stupid test. I had tears in my eyes the whole way back to the ER. As soon as I saw Nate, he asked me if I was okay. I started hysterically crying and said “I have a tumor”. He hugged me and I squeezed him. It was the first moment that whole day that he showed any real concern. All I could sob into his hoodie was “I don’t want to die”, over and over. He called my dad to tell him, through tears of his own and the shakiest voice I have ever heard. They didn’t even say goodbye to each other, just hung up. And like that, I was left to take in the absolutely worst news of my entire, young life.
This past week has been like watching a movie, that it is frozen on the tv screen in a horrible, scary spot. You try to rewind it to try to get it back on track, but you just keep replaying the same act over and over, one that you already saw and don’t want to keep watching. I just want to fast forward to the end. I want to fast forward to the credits, and see Dr. Engh’s name next to “Hero”.