Keep going. Lord, I could have used a little birdie chirping that into my ear all day long today.
I woke up so terribly tired from my radiation treatment, and could have literally rolled out of bed because my body sure didn’t want to move. I have been frustrated for the past week dealing with my insurance company and mail order pharmacy who deals with my chemo pill. Having to deal with my insurance not approving my refill, making me switch pharmacies, lack of communication, nearly running out of medication, finding out that my copay for a 5 day supply is the same amount as a 30 day supply, almost being charged twice for my copay, crying in the waiting room at radiation, finding out I am the youngest patient receiving radiation treatment currently, not being approved for copay assistance by 3 different companies because I don’t have the “right type of tumor”, crying while driving which I’m not even supposed to be doing, being sick to my stomach because of my treatments, applying medicated gel to my practically half-bald head due to radiation, begging Nate to come home from work and wasting 2 hours of my time watching a stupid Lifetime movie can really upset someone, considering this all happened within 4 hours this morning.
If anyone would have told me “This won’t be easy” sure would have told me the truth. This SUCKS. I try so hard to be strong but some days like today, someone is just kicking me in the ass. I may never have an “easy” day again, and that makes me angry. I just want to cry. I really hope I’m not the only person who wants to just throw their arms up into the air and cry, and when I say cry, I mean CRY.
I love my sister dearly and it breaks my heart that I can’t be there for her like I want to be. She checks on me every day. I usually don’t answer her phone calls or text messages. It’s not fair that I push away one of my biggest supporters. I couldn’t even talk to her on the phone when I was diagnosed with cancer. I didn’t talk to her for days. I still can’t talk to her for days. I don’t even know why. Sometimes I feel like because she lives in North Carolina, she deserves a normal life. I’m glad that she can’t go to appointments with me or see me when I get upset. No one should have to see their sister go through this. In a way I’m shielding her. I just don’t want her to have to see it. One thing I know is that when she comes to Pennsylvania next month to go wedding dress shopping with me, besides my mom, she is the only person I need to be with me. What is more perfect than having your big sister watch you try on wedding dresses!
My mom helped me stay calm over the phone, as my parents live 2 hours away. Mom-zilla (as she refers to herself, by the way!) was excited to explain her daily wedding ideas. God Bless anyone who is not as lucky as I am to have the most amazing mom and dad help me plan the wedding of my dreams. They are angels.
I feel bad for myself about 15 times a day but decided to take a deep, deep breath and clear my mind and my heart. I am so lucky to have an amazing group of people that pray for me and think of me each day, but sometimes I need to take care of myself, too. Anyone can send me strength, but I’m the only one that can do anything with it. I need to be strong. I owe it to myself to fight.
Besides taking care of myself tonight, I’m sending love, strength and hope to anyone who may need it this very moment. Everyone jumps hurdles and fights battles, small and big, and every single one of these people need love as much as I do. We all do. I want everyone to take 10 seconds for a prayer, kind thought or message of encouragement that you can send to anyone, any way. It’s easy to make someone smile.